MAGICIANS are supposed to conjure up doves from nowhere, but in Secrets of Magic (BBC1, Saturday) all they managed was one big turkey.

Poor Nick Knowles, who has surely suffered enough coping with the silliness that is DIY SOS, should have perfected his own disappearing trick when asked to present this rubbish.

The format has a celebrity panel and the studio audience guessing how a magic trick has been executed from a short list of four possibilities.

The magicians involved were a bizarre bunch. There was John Lenehan, who looks more like a bank manager than an entertainer; Etienne, an archetypal Frenchman with an accent like Inspector Clouseau; Danny, a clown with an irritating voice, and sultry Simone, whose delivery wouldn't have been out of place in a Carry On film.

Add to this a panel made up of investigative TV reporter Donal McIntyre, Sven reject Ulrika Jonsson and Leslie 'Dirty Den' Grantham, and you didn't need a crystal ball to know that the signs weren't good.

The terrible trio was clueless about how the various tricks, involving mirrors, coins, playing cards and hidden rings, had been performed.

Ulrika did nothing but sulk and pout as she blundered her way to a score of precisely no points. One answer from the dizzy Swede of 'sleight of hand and a false bottom' produced the only highlight of the show, as 'Dirty Den' retorted: "Which is what Ulrika's been famous for for years!"

The show might have been more entertaining if some real magical secrets had been revealed, such as how did McIntyre convince anyone that he is an astute investigator; how does Ulrika have the front to continue pushing herself centre stage after all her public humiliations, and - most amazingly of all - how did Dirty Den escape that terminal dip into the canal and hide from his family for all these years? Now there's a trick worthy of explanation!

SOAP POSER:

SO one of the Webster girls is having singing lessons from someone who was around when Rita was warbling in the workingmen's clubs of Weatherfield. A repertoire of White Cliffs of Dover and It's a Long Way to Tipperary won't go down too well at the Pop Idols audition, Rawsie!

REALITY BITES:

GOODBYE BB4, and hello Fame Academy 2. After carefully avoiding the first series of this Pop Idol with Pomposity programme, I made the mistake of watching two of the first three shows this time.

First impressions? Cat Deeley is an abysmal interviewer. Carrie Grant (Judy! Judy!) is scary but talks a lot of sense. Robin Gibb could be replaced by a cardboard cut-out and no-one would notice. Peter the Monkee Man should have taken the Last Train Back To Essex. And finally, so far my money's on James, whose performance left me wondering why he doesn't already have a recording contract. Oh, I forgot. This is the business that thought Robson and Jerome could sing!