THE phrase 'cleaning up television' took on a whole new meaning on Wednesday, when the viewing public was introduced to the alarming persona of Kim Woodburn.

Housekeeper Kim is the star turn in Channel 4's new eight-part reality TV series How Clean Is Your House? Resplendent in pearls and a ton of 'slap', she bestrides the screen like a Wagnerian heroine in rubber gloves. Kim's gloves, however, are black velvet trimmed with pink fluorescent fur!

This apparition, in concert with mouse-like presenter Agi Mackenzie, is charged with teaching poor 'victims' how to clean their homes to within an inch of their lives.

Science teacher James Haywood was the first person to feel the wrath of the Cleaning Czarina. It did not help his case when the Domestos Duo found week-old mashed potato congealing in the kitchen and an egg with a 'use by' date of February 10, 2002, in the fridge!

It was in the bathroom, however, that Kim's zeal reached its zenith. Immersing the aforementioned film star gloves into the toilet bowl, she waxed lyrical about the awful consequences of letting hygiene standards slide. A shame-faced James muttered his apologies, and no doubt mused on the level of ribbing he was about to face from delighted pupils at his school this week.

As a one-off, this programme was a jaw-dropping succession of nauseous images, from mouldy food to pupating insects. Whether it can be as entertaining over a period of eight weeks is another matter. As the late Mary Whitehouse once opined, there is far too much filth on television already.

Soap Poser:

WOULD someone please put Emmerdale out of its misery? The ridiculous storyline of Tricia becoming a Bollywood actress has been followed by Sam ensnaring the affections of a Japanese girl in the romantic setting of the pig sty. If it carries on like this, we'll all be down on the funny farm before long!

* See CKTV on June 9 for a bumper update on the goings on in the Big Brother house and other televisual delights.