ULRIKA Jonsson was tempting fate hosting a make-over programme called How Do I Look?, while sporting a hairstyle that could only be described as a cascade of rats' tails. Straighten it before the wedding, Ulrika-ka-ka!

This show is one of ITV1's stable of summer snooze-inducers, calculated to make the viewer debunk to the nearest pub in search of intelligent life.

Where do they find the people featured in these programmes? On Saturday we were treated to three ginger whingers, who were too stupid to slap on the hair dye to stop taunts and name-calling without the help of a professional make-over expert; a designer who exchanged his perfectly acceptable sober hairstyle for a cross between a 'Tin Tin' and a Mohican to 'look different' (he looked ridiculous), and a scruffy teacher who ended up looking like mutton dressed as New Zealand's best after being advised by a stylist with a warped sense of humour.

The programme started off with a trio of real no-hopers who wanted to look like the Dreamboys. Guy thought he had the potential to be a Brad Pitt lookalike (despite being as bald as a badger); Karel aspired to emulate Beckham, and the Asian lad (didn't catch his name) just chewed gum and tried to smoulder.

They all lost a bit of flab, gained the beginnings of a six-pack (about two cans at the most), and still had as much charisma as a wet kipper.

Then there was Colin with the comb-over and his stroppy wife Mary. She threatened to walk out if his Bobby Charlton wisps of hair were snipped off. The prospect obviously appealed to him, so clip went the scissors, as the muttering spouse disappeared backstage threatening to end the marriage. Call her bluff, Col - you looked much better with your new hairstyle!

Among the other treats in store were the twins who were tired of being mistaken for each other, and again needed help to see that having different hairstyles, make-up and clothes might be the answer. Doh!

There were also five people competing for a nose job, giving Ulrika the chance to use the old 'whose nose will be picked?' line. Needless to say, the most potentially photogenic candidate, blonde singer Keely, was chosen.

Or am I just being too cynical?

SOAP POSER:

WHEN will the script team on EastEnders learn that there is such a thing as over-egging the pudding? The Alfie and Kat saga has dragged on for so long now that I'm past caring. Roll on the return of Dirty Den!

BITE-SIZE BB4:

SO Obi Jon has used that old Jedi mind trick to gain entry to the Big Brother house again? If the other occupants are not yet afraid - they will be, they will be!