HAVING survived the spectacle of Jane McDonald strutting her stuff on the ocean waves, I risked a look at Cruise Ship (ITV1) on Sunday.

Jolly Jane was nowhere to be seen, but her place was taken by a far scarier substitute.

Yes, rotund Rik Waller escaped from the rigours of Harvey's boot camp in Celebrity Fit Club to top the bill on the floating hotel.

He may have a larger than life stage presence, but his patter leaves something to be desired. "Someone bring me a towel. I'm sweating so much, I can't see anything," he said, as he lurched around the stage.

He wasn't the only one sweating, as the ship's crew faced a tide of complaints from disgruntled passengers.

Toilets and sinks were leaking, tiles were peeling off the floors in the showers, and the kitchens were in total disarray.

The chefs were abandoning ship faster than Jamie Oliver being chased by a speech therapist, and restaurant manager Ron was left to light the barbecue and chase up lettuce for the dwindling salad bowls himself.

In short, there were more headless chickens serving up the food than there were in the fridge!

The purser was smiling her way through a nervous breakdown - "When I stop smiling, that's when it's really bad."

Meanwhile, the captain tried to deflect complaints with a stream of platitudes. Eventually, he had to come clean, and announce a 50% refund for passengers, plus the promise of a free cruise.

The mood lightened, as the warm glow of compensation cash to come spread across the faces of those present - especially the two women who admitted they had no complaints at all!

Why the ship's owners thought it was a good idea to allow cameras on board in the first place is beyond me. When you are all at sea - and headlining your entertainment with the wailing whale himself - you really should go for the low profile option.

SOAP POSER:

AS the sun starts to set on the most misery-ridden neighbourhood in TV history, I wonder what mega-tragedy will be brought into play in the final episode of Brookside next year. The residents have suffered such trials as incest, murder, fire, armed raids, drugs, a killer virus, a siege at the hands of a religious maniac, mental illness and a gas explosion. What are the odds on Armageddon arriving in the Close some time in 2003?

TOP VIEWING:

MY opinion that Lisa Riley is one of the most annoying people on television took a bit of a knock on Thursday. Her portrayal of tubby garden centre worker Becky in Fat Friends (ITV1) was heart-rending, and about as far from Mandy Dingle as you could get. It's very worrying. I'll be waxing lyrical about Jim Davidson next!

STOP VIEWING:

I wish the occupants of BBC1's appalling Fame Academy WOULD learn how to fly - right off our TV screens!