TWO programmes this week left me feeling grateful for not being compelled to wash my hands every five minutes or spend a fortune altering my appearance.

Under The Knife (ITV1, Monday) was one of those documentaries that make you despair for the human race. What other species would willingly succumb to repeated doses of painful surgery just to remove a few wrinkles or add a couple of inches to an unmentionable part of the male anatomy?

I think the old phrase 'more money than sense' probably sums up my reaction to those who seem to think their lives will be so much better with a face that looks like a plastic mask.

Don't they realise - you can always tell! It's no good having the face of a 30-year-old on a 50-year-old's neck. It only accentuates the folds that have taken decades to cultivate!

The assertion in this programme that cosmetic surgery is now commonplace in this country surely does not stand up to close inspection? There may be an increasing number of southern vanity freaks frittering their incomes on new noses, bigger breasts and scary facelifts, but most self-respecting northerners have better things to do with their brass.

Obsessions (BBC1, Wednesday) at least focused on people whose problem has a medical cause. Obsessive compulsive disorder is apparently the most common mental illness after depression.

This peek into the lives of a handful of sufferers made fascinating viewing.

There was the man who had been unable to throw away anything that had entered his home for years.

His living room was like a mountain range of rubbish, and he could not even get into his bedroom. I could almost hear his mother shouting: "If you don't tidy that room, I'll put everything into bin bags for the next rubbish collection!"

The tale of Stephanie, who displayed the classic symptoms of obsessive hygiene, was particularly hard to watch. She had sought help, after realising that her young son was being badly affected by her condition.

While undergoing therapy to force her to confront her fears about bacteria, she was encouraged to allow her son to touch objects that might be dirty. The sight of tears streaming down her face as she fought her condition was harrowing.

Fortunately, she responded well to the therapy. In the final shots of the programme, she was seen walking with her son, and joining with him to pick up leaves from the ground in an impromptu nature lesson.

"Now, I feel a little more normal - whatever that is," she said, with a smile that lit up the screen.

I have news for you, Stephanie. You're a darn sight more normal than the plastic people!

SOAP POSER:

I DON'T know about you, but I'm already bored by the 'Sally-Kevin will they, won't they' saga in Corrie, and he's only just moved back in.

GOLD MEDAL OF THE WEEK:

THE 'best long distance track performance ever' by Paula Radcliffe at the European Athletics Championship on Tuesday night was compulsive viewing, I believe. The only problem was that, as the athletes lined up to start the race, my TV screen went blank. Along with other residents in Lymm and other parts of South Warrington, I missed the race, thanks to a one and a half hour power cut!

WOODEN SPOON OF THE WEEK:

I KNOW that EastEnders scriptwriters had to hastily write out Zoe's part, when actress Michelle Ryan became ill, but couldn't they think up a better story than her disappearance on the eve of her wedding to Dr Zombie? It's totally unbelievable, and what's more it has thrown together the Staring Doc and Alley Kat again. Give me strength!